


GAG (Go Away God)

by frumious_bandersnatch



Category: Supernatural
Genre: All the conversations you needed but didn’t want, BUT GOOD, Crack, Gen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-12 09:27:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,877
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29008314
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/frumious_bandersnatch/pseuds/frumious_bandersnatch
Summary: Based on this post ( https://katsidhe.tumblr.com/tagged/spn%20seminar ), I give Gabriel a little more credit than he’s due in setting things up but most of it will follow the outline given.Or: Sam and Dean give Chuck all the angst he wants in one one-day panel with several esteemed guests, and they all live happily ever after.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 9





	1. Opening Remarks and Ground Rules

Castiel cleared his throat. He looked nervous. He was nervous, which was an odd look on him. He slowly walked up onto the panel stage, stood behind the podium, looking… not at home in his own skin at all, stiff and awkward, eyes fixed on his brother.

Gabriel only grinned and gestured for him to get on with it.

“Well. We, uhm,” The microphone screeched with feedback, echoing through the hall, drawing hisses of pain from those human enough to care.

“Have gathered here today-“

“Not a wedding, Cassie,” Gabriel called.

He amended. “Have been shoved here against our will today for the enjoyment of a cruel-“ He paused, suddenly unable to speak for a few moments.

He amended a few times, stumbled his way through a preamble he neither wanted to give, nor had he been prepared for.

“Some rules.” Castiel looked down at the paper in front of him. “Those that are formerly dead, demons and otherwise, may remain… formerly dead, now alive, upon approval and promises not to meddle. This does not…” He squinted, reading verbatim. “Apply to Lucifer at this time. What a… dickhead. If he honestly thought that-“ He huffed a sigh. “Gabriel, I won’t-“

“Read it.”

“-that I would bail his ass out, he shouldn’t have tried to stab me. Yes, I am still holding a grudge, no, I will not be taking questions at this time.” Castiel shook his head.

“There will be no posting, or sharing, of the contents of these panels, there will be no excessive eye contact between humans and angels who refuse to admit-“ He looked up at Gabriel, lips set in a flat line. “Who refuse to admit mutual feelings, there will be no touching outside of accidental awkward brushing up against one another.” He cleared his throat. “There will be no smitings, exorcisms, or undue violence. Are there any questions?”

No hands were raised.


	2. Winchester “Truth or Truth” Rapid-Fire Icebreaker!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uncomfortable questions for uncomfortable people.

Chuck was not physically present. And you know what? They were just fine with that. Stopped Him from… getting in a fistfight with Lucifer, or something, stopped Him from pissing everyone off just with His presence.

But the important thing was that He’d agreed to it. Kind of. Had said ‘You know what? Fine. Give it a shot. I’ll watch.’

And Sam had insisted that didn’t mean anything-

But it was worth a try if it finally got Him off of everyone’s collective backs.

Dean sighed and scrubbed his hands over his face, stifling a groan. He hated this already. What a stupid, stupid idea it had been to ask Gabriel for help.

Sam awkwardly patted his shoulder. He agreed, but he wouldn’t say that. “It’ll be fine. He, uh, knows what his Dad likes? Probably has experience.” He paused. “Definitely has experience.”

“We’re fucked, dude.” Dean whispered. And then he cleared his throat, outburst over, stiff and stoic as ever as he took a sip of… honestly, really crappy coffee. “We’re up, by the way.”

Sam blinked and looked down at the schedule. “Already?”

“Main characters.” Dean mumbled as an explanation, slowly walking up onto the stage and sitting himself behind the table.

Alastair was in the front row. Dean didn’t appreciate that. He wrenched his gaze over to Gabriel, who was standing behind the podium and adjusting the mic to his level as Sam came up to join his brother.

The archangel seemed remarkably giddy. Dean didn’t quite like that either, and the memories of Gabriel + quiz show was still too fresh in his mind to not have him wincing.

“Alright, boys, are we ready for our icebreakers?” Gabriel hummed, rocking on the balls of his feet and raising his brows,

“Everyone here already knows us.” Sam tried.

“Intimately.” Dean quantified, as if it needed saying.

“Mm, yeah, it’s not for you, it’s for the big guy upstairs, so buck up. We’ll start with Dean.” Gabriel straightened, pulled a small gummy out of a bag next to the base of the mic and popped it in his mouth. Chewed slowly, swallowed, silence stretching on for perhaps a few seconds too many, before, “Thirty seconds to answer each question. You two already know the deal, if you don’t answer- or don’t answer truthfully, well…”

Sam paled. Dean blanched.

“Got it? Good. How many people under the age of eighteen have you killed?”

Dean blinked, blindsided, felt something clench in the pit of his stomach. He sipped at his coffee. Did he know? Would he be able to count? “By people you mean…”

“People, monsters, same difference. How many?”

Dean let out a heavy sigh, blinking as he shook his head. “Dunno. More than…” He pursed his lips. “More than five. More than ten, maybe.”

Gabriel clicked his tongue, hesitating for a few seconds, as if listening to something through an earpiece. He wasn’t. “We’ll take it. What,” He cocked his head to the side. “Is the worst thing you did as a demon?”

Was it the senseless murder? The things too steeped in blood and pain Dean blocked the memories away?

He went with an easy choice. “Crowley.”

“Ah, taking ‘did’ as in ‘screw’, are we? Yeah. Eleven inches can’t be fun.” Gabriel shook his head, sympathetically. “Unfortunately we both know that’s a bullshit, answer, so-“ He clicked his fingers, Dean flinched, and… nothing happened?

“What did you-?”

Gabriel took his finger, slowly brought it down, leading Dean’s eyes to the 5” platform stripper heels he was now wearing. 

“Son of a-“

“Rest’a the day, hotshot. Try not to twist an ankle on the stairs. At least you’re taller than Sam, now? Anyways.” Gabriel chuckled, the crowd chuckled,  _ Sam  _ chuckled, and Dean flushed with embarrassment. “Would you do the Gadreel thing again?”

Dean flinched at the look he got from Sam. “If it would save him- save my brother, I’d probably do anything.”

“Gotta love that stupid self-sacrificing bullshit, huh? Runs in the family. How do you feel about dogs?”

Dean sighed. Easy question. Maybe the beginning was rough just to throw him off his game, he wouldn’t put it past Gabriel. “Wish I could have one, but hunting’s not exactly the best lifestyle for a puppy.”

“Mm. That’s your Daddy talking, right there. You should consider adopting, after this.” Gabriel nodded sagely. “Favorite torture technique?”

Nope. Entire thing was rough, one nice question in the middle to throw him off. God damnit.

Dean could feel Alastair’s eyes on him. Cold and inquisitive and white, the same eyes he saw in his dreams, in his nightmares. He swallowed thickly. “On me, or on…”

“On other people? Either is fine, both is preferred.” Gabriel said smoothly.

“...On me, preferably none.” Dean chuckled weakly. “If i had to choose, uh…” If he closed his eyes he could feel them clawing, biting, tearing away, he was shaking lightly in his seat. “Scared rats. Put a copper bowl on someone’s stomach, rats inside, heat it up and they’ll chew their way through-“ He cleared his throat. “On other people, uh, just liked to…” He tapped his hand on the edge of the table. Sam was staring at him. Sam could see and hear what a monster he was, how he- “Tear. Tear and tear until I was covered in blood and I could hear them scream-“

“Thirty seconds is up.” Gabriel cleared his throat. Dean could feel Sam’s eyes boring into him, could see Alastair and fucking  _ Azazel _ and his own father in the crowd and Mary-

He grit his teeth and steeled himself.

“Ever check in on Lisa and Ben, these days? You know, that little family you almost got killed? How’re they doing, psychologically? Now that they’re missing a big fat chunk of their lives?”

“No. I don’t.” Dean said firmly.

“Alllrighty then. How suicidal are we feeling, these days?”

“More and more with each question.” Dean flashed a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Sam moved to place a comforting hand on his knee and he shoved it away. “Next.” 

“Worst betrayal?” Gabriel pushed his lower lip out in a pout, apparently slighted by Dean’s response.

“Demon blood.” Dean didn’t miss how Sam deflated, shoulders slumping, and he was kicking himself internally but they had to do this.

“Do you miss Hell?” Dean bristled. “Just a little?”

Of course he did. So simple, so perfect and pure and just one job and all the praise he never received from an absent father and-

“I wish I didn’t.”

Gabriel accepted that answer just fine. “Now.” He turned. “Sam. How we feelin’ about some questions, there, buddy?”

Sam grimaced. He… well, watching Dean hadn’t been great. Listening to him had been worse.

They had to do this.

“Peachy.”

“Great!” Gabriel beamed. There was something uncomfortable in his eyes. Something that said while he was voyeuristic, and a little sadistic, this was… a little too much, for his tastes. They had to do this. “How many innocent people have you gotten killed?”

“Starting off strong, huh?” Sam let out a long sigh through his nose, clasping his hands together. “The people I failed to save on hunts, the people I didn’t save because I was at Stanford, Jess, people Lucifer-“ He swallowed. “While I was soulless… too many to count. Too many.”

Gabriel nodded. “And… why were you so eager to, uh, ‘adopt’ Lucifer’s kid, huh?” He asked carefully.

“Jack?” Sam asked, to clarify, brow creasing. “He deserved a chance.”  _ Reminded me of myself _ . “Deserved the ability to… mature, to grow, to be a force of good in the world.”

“Admirable.” Gabriel shrugged, looking down at his paper. “Becky and Toni? What’s up with them?”

Sam shrank in on himself. “Becky Rosen, Toni Bevell.” He bit the inside of his cheek. “They- huh, they… took advantage-“ He swallowed.

“That’s enough.” Dean snapped, glaring up at Gabriel. “Evil bitches, the both of them, next fucking question.”

Gabriel whistled. “Woah, down, boy. Alright. Hm. Worst thing you did soulless, Sammy?”

Sam shrugged. “I don’t remember it...clearly enough. I don’t. I know I killed innocent people. I know I probably…” He shook his head. “The families I must have split apart, must have hurt, the people I-“ He cleared his throat, grunting. “All of it.”

“Not specific- but we’ll let it slide.” Gabriel sighed. “Let’s see… Ooh. favorite disturbing hallucination?”

“When it was Dean.” Sam said simply. “When it… pretended- when it was Dean.” He closed his eyes for a few second, brow knit and lower lip quivering.

“How do you really feel about Nick? Vaught? The, uh, peel-y one. Lucifer’s first vessel.”

Sam frowned. “I feel… so, so, sorry for him. I get it. It’s… Light and love and fire and grace and cold and perfect union through all the horror. He had that for  _ so long _ . Of course he misses Lucifer. Of course he feels broken and empty without him. I get it.”

“Worst betrayal?”

Sam swallowed. “When Cas- when Cas broke the wall. The hallucinations, the...hospital.” He sighed. 

“And do you miss Hell? At least, a little?”

“No.”

“Hm. And that’s time! Thank you, everyone, and next: everyone’s favorite absentee father- no, not that one- and the one that… went in the nursery? Why? After so many years of experience hunting? Man, is it plot hole city with this one. Yeesh.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! As always, comments are appreciated. :)
> 
> Let me know if I’m doing it justice!


End file.
